WHAT KIND OF WELCOME?

The author and screenwriter, Freddy Raphael's explains what sort of welcome a screenwriter (or an actor) who has been called to Hollywood might expect. He called it Talking Chinese - Hollywoodese. The article is based in part on extracts from one of his highly entertaining novels, I think it was "California Time" published in 1975.

If you've been flown in by a Studio and you receive a message saying "Take a cab to the hotel and put the cost on to your bill". You might think this is a good start, but Fred says this is Siberia! A good start would be if the studio limousine met you and took you back to your hotel.

You would then probably get a message saying something on the lines of "Welcome to Los Angeles". If this is dictated and on hotel notepaper, they might just be going cold on you. If the message is on Studio notepaper, then that is encouraging. At least your contact hasn't been fired and his secretary (the darling girl) is thinking of you.

You may get a message on arriving saying "Call me when you are rested". This really means give me some peace. If you should be mad enough to call him, his Secretary (the darling girl) will say that he's in conference. On the other hand she may say, "I'll see if he's here, or if he's in the building". This means she'll put you through, but she doesn't want you to think that he's too eager.

If they say, "Hello Buddy, Did you have a good flight? How's the hotel? Are they looking after you?" Don't answer them. If you do they'll think that you're one of those Limey bastards who's just too pernickety for words. Just say, "the hotel's perfect". Do remember that.

If the Secretary says, "Where can I reach you?" Just ignore it. She know's perfectly well as she's the one who made the arrangements.

She may say, "Are you going to be there all morning? He may try to reach you later." That means they are wondering whether you have any other irons in the fire which you may want to attend to. It doesn't mean he'll call you.

Supposing he says, "I'll try and do something". It means he has little or no intention of doing anything. On the other hand, if he says, "Don't hesitate to call". This is studiospeak for 'for God's sake think twice before you do. I'm a bloody busy fella!' If you do go on calling you'll get a flea in your ear.

READING THE HOTEL ROOM

Advice on reading the Hotel room, as Hotel rooms also have their own language.

Is there fruit? if there is this means nothing and they expect you to pay the bill.

Are there bottles in the mini bar? If there's just one, then your agent expected you. If there are lots then the boss is excited by your presence.

If there are no calls, then you are right to feel a trifle uneasy about your agent, as he's not worrying about you.

If there are some calls - perhaps he's left a message waiting for you. At least he's thinking about you, but not enough to want to talk to you. He knew jolly well you weren't there, didn't he?

If you call him, the chances are his Secretary will say that he had to go to the Studio. It's a good excuse, but it's a blatant lie as they look upon him as a pariah at the Studio. So you leave a message asking him to call back. That's the thing about agents, they always have to call back, just to emphasise their time is more valuable than yours.

When he calls, what are his opening words? "Welcome to LA?" That's wearing a little thin. "What's going on?" So he's in a smog too, he's probably forgotten who you are. "When am I going to see you?". Do I really have to? "How long are you staying?". If anybody knows, he should. "I bet you're tired, huh? Have an early night." He's afraid he might have inadvertently asked you out!

WHAT ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT?

"Everyone's still keen on it". That 'still' implies that they're not as keen as they used to be.

"They want to talk to you about a couple of things that have come up". Oh dear. It sounds as if you'll have a major rewrite on your hands.

"Are you doing anything on Monday? There's someone I'd like you to meet". That means he has until Monday to turn up with a chick who might interest you.

FINALLY MEETING WITH THE STUDIO EXECUTIVE

He welcomes you to LA and says, "I've read the script". This doesn't mean a thing. What it does mean is that one of his yes men has read it for him and given him a 10 line synopsis.

"Fred, I've read the script", is better. At least it's your synopsis he's go in front of him.. provided of course your name is Fred. It really means he knows a little about you, but most importantly he knows you've made somebody somewhere some money, as he's seen a film you wrote some time and it wasn't half bad. There's a chance that with a little tinkering here and there this script might do, although it may need a little resuscitation.

Supposing he say's, "Fred, we read the script." They haven't read the script yet, but now he's cooking, as there are at least two of them and you've got yourself in on a project.

He might say, on the other hand, "We've all read the script." You can allow yourself a frisson of excitement. It means that some of these guys have actually stopped chasing their secretaries round their desks for a few minutes to put on their bifocals and look at the synopsis. How the hell do this lot keep in business? Are you sure you haven't written an epic?

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

"Personally I want you to know it's the best thing I've read since I came out here for Louis B. Mayer's funeral." He can't say better than that, can he - or can he? What he really means is that he's been in Hollywood for heaven knows how long and he may look the part, but he's not really the top banana. "Not everybody is enthusiastic about it". He's got about 2000 Wall Street Bankers sitting on his shoulders and watching his every move

Personally is always a dangerous word to begin a sentence.

If the news is good he'll probably say, "Personally, I think they want their heads examined, but they are determined to go ahead with it." This indicates that the value of his opinion is zero.

On the other hand, if it's bad news.

"Personally I thought it was an interesting script." Might sound reasonable to a rookie, but it's the pits. All it's good for is to light a bonfire, it's a no, no. The expression, 'I thought' means a thumbs down. Don't think for a second that he still thinks it's any good, because he's not going out on a limb for the Archangel Gabriel against the rest of the Studio. What, and get a reputation as a trouble maker? He's got his wife and kids to think about. 'Interesting' - no one's interested in it.

Only one word remains untarnished in any company and that's 'commercial'. That's the real McCoy. That's the clincher, the humdinger. Nothing else amounts to a row of beans.

'Commercial?' You're in baby. You are in!

Suppose he says, "Personally, you know I will always have the utmost respect for your integrety and your intelligence." That is gobbledegook for goodbye. That's the final brush off.

I hope you can afford your fare home!

FREDERIC RAPHAEL'S credits are too numerous to detail here, he recently wrote the screenplay for Stanley Kubrick's final outstanding film "Eyes wide shut".